your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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