Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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