filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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