We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
