I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
