This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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