I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
