I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
