My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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