i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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