Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
