I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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