I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
