Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I lost the right to judge tonight
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
