i was rollin on her like bob the builder
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
