note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
