She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
