:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
