its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
