I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
