One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
