Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
