I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
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