so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
