Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
it glows. i had to have it.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
