my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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