am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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