my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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