I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
