I just threw up on my dentist
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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