I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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