What a fucking waste of an outfit
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
