probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize