They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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