24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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