and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
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