You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
