I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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