I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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