Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
