I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
