Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
