ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Randomize
