I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
