He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
