I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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