I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
