I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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