Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Randomize
