dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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