Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
