Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
