We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
