once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Randomize
