bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
