i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
