Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
