I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
