I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
