I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
