i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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