Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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